A quiet breath

This past week, I'm adjusting back. Also, I'm rediscovering how lovely it is to sit somewhere quiet with quiet, a good book, or movie, and breathe the morning fresh air and drown in my meandering thoughts. This has become a kind of solace for me, in odd moments of the day, when I'm overwhelmed by all the activities and conversations I find myself in.

Take dancing.

My feet have been set to dancing, since whenever. I don't truly know why or how. The music, the vivid vitality of it, just takes over my limbs and stretch turns into a sweeping up of the arms, into a fluid motion of arms, torso, legs brought up into a leap, and I'm off again. I can't explain it at all. I've been awkward before this, but I've always strangely loved dancing, and more or less jumped at any chance of learning dance, as terribly stiff as I've been. I'm always amazed at how graceful dancers are.
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I realise, quite depressingly, I've been distant from office to distract myself from musing over small things. I realise I can't please everybody. To be belittled and frowned upon my own choice of actions almost give me mental breakdown.
Í'm tired of trying too hard to make myself fit in and belong. My bleeding heart can't be bleeding enough. I'm just too easy, aren't I? That you can push me around.
I have a heart that feels and a mind that thinks too. My large gestures and laughter, when I try to make myself look like I don't have a care in the world, end up hollow. i'm tired swallowing words that's been grinding down to painful awkwardness.
It's not worth crying over the crowded thoughts as much as it hurts me.
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I'm waning, beyond the turmoil even though your presence gives me an odd sort of comfort.It's the sheer drifting space of the oblivion that comes with the tiredness, after. It never seems to have an end, except when I set my mind into motion again.I hate it when I find myself repeating small restless and mindless actions.
I'm tired of feeling sick of the things that I do. Yet that seems to be the status quo, for now.
I want to get out, to be out of the ordinary in my life. Yet I don't want to be confronted with the unfamiliar right now. I'm just too raw and too tired to push myself into dealing with anything new. I wonder why the adrenaline remains. I'd like to be rid of the emotional loop-de-loops on this rollercoaster, all things considered.
How much hurt or pleasure is a human heart truly capable of? Can there ever be anything of a fathomable answer? Everything I feel is still so intense. I'm oddly happy to relax and kick back and do silly things, but there's still a kind of watchfulness that remains with me.
It just bothers me when I get into these moods, when the castles that I build in the air start to condense and fall to the ground as heavy-weighted expectations.
I don't want to have to meet expectations that I'm feeling, or possibly even just making up in my head from small perceptions and quirks and inflections of voice. I don't want to control the future, or to get this disappointed when things that happen does happen the way it's supposed to. I don't want to care so much about what people think, or even worse, what I think people think. I don't want to have to carry on the act, and be this golden girl who's got it all together because I don't. I really don't. I'm not too sweet to act in a certain way. In fact, I'm hardly too sweet or too nice a young lady to be doing any particular thing at all.
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All right, enough of this.

Life can just suck for no reason. Especially when writing long angsty post like this.

Let’s Dance

With Jazz, Hip Hop and Musical in my weekly activities, I’m geared up to get grooving once again…

November Rain

Today

I've realised...

that you came into my life...

to show me what love is,

and how much I mean to you.

I love you.

I still do.

Moments of randomness

One sunny weekend,

Sara : Hey, shall we sniff glue 1 day?

Me : Right...reason being?
Sara: For fun. Shall we?
Me : (+_+)

Void Emotions

Rant.

Don't mind.

No amount of pills I stuff into my throat can fix the immense pain of the cosmic questions and burdens me so.I want to embody numbness.

I have such twisted sense of reality. I have to-- how else would I explain this: I'm in a relationship which i think I will fuck out at some point. I have put everything I have into it.But I get bored, lost and confused.Discontented. Emotionally and mentally unstable.

Latent insanityI chose to live, my self destruction is a safety blanket. It's comfortable and predictable. It feels safe-- like coming home.
I know the outcome and more often than not the limits. It will leave scars I am not ashamed of and burnt bridges I've not cared to mend.I have to chose to be happy. I chose to fight and let go.

However I'm getting married in 2011 to a man who refuses to let me fade away. He is as damaged. But he is beautiful. Somewhat an angel. At times i just want to say "I love you, get over it". But I have to be strong. And I am angry at myself for constantly crumbling down the ropes of emotions. Although at times consciously not directed at myself.I still feel the pull everyday. The nagging voice. The need to get out. A sick freedom that only collects bruises and costs everything. I doubt the voice will ever go away.
Within a week, I have to decide between morality and manipulation. Selflessness or twisted freedom.

At this point of my life, I'm dealing with a lot of responsibility;I'm separating myself from the ridiculousness of my thoughts; I'm in charge of managing my own mental health and health in general; I need to start acknowledging myself for what I am: an adult. I may still be goofing around, playing tricks and kicking asses, but I'm still an adult--albiet at one point of the journey.

haaa~ I feel better now.


PS : Redbull and Ciggies don't go well together.

Serendipity

"Life is a mess...It's a personified chaos...

Maybe all this maze, is designed, to lead me to where I started"

I love you to death…

For the first time in my dating history, i have a friend chasing me, literally. With an empty coke bottle on one hand and halfway eaten sotong onstik on the other, we did stomach-punching, face-slapping, leg-kicking and neck-grabbing ; at Ngee Ann City’s open space..

And the verdict? A draw ; of a tiny wound each plus multiple scratches and red marks all over.

It was a bruised and bloody date.

(+__-) (-__+)

PS:- I won!

You’ll Never Walk Alone…

For Liverpool deserves to win. Especially to Man Utd. Man! Does victory tastes swwweeett :)

Today, I pranced diligently. Yes…
Ergh, goodnite.

ANGST

DON’T YOU EVER LEARN ???!!!!

God, Help me :’(

Of Fantasy and Reality

In the story of King Authur, Knight Sir Lancelot , and Queen Guenevere…
Sir Lancelot was disgraced for the love he has for Queen Guivenivere. Sir Lancelot failed to protect King Authur.
For the world perceived King Author as victorious and powerful but only Queen Guenevere knew his major faults and frailities.
Queen Guivenivere became a widow for she loved Sir Lancelot just as much.

I hate you, with an insurmountable passion...

And I have my anarex to put me to sleep..

My self-esteem has gone hiding today. I feel like thrash.

Ergh.

Piss off..

One still Wednesday…

On an upfront conversation over an actress’s role, while the sun peeked modestly behind the evening sky.

Sara : She kisses the guy before she transforms into a hawk in the evening.
Me : oh. a Hog? as in Hog? (stressed on the ‘g’ sound)
Sara : No.A Hawk.
Me : (confused). I noe. U mean the pig kindda hog ryte?
Sara : (Frustrated. Flapping his hands profusely) No! A hawk ! A flying pig!
Me : (Settled look) Ah~ an eagle la.. (grin)
Sara: -_-

On another movie topics...The sun was in the verge of sinking as we looked calmly at the cruise liner over the sea.

Me: I would love to go on a cruise for a honeymoon. But u noe wat, i want my cruise to sink.
Sara: (Bewildered) So u want ur ship to sink? And whatever for?
Me : (Confidently explains..) Yes so i cn feel what is it like to be in Titanic.
Sara: ?????
Me : U noe, people always think Titanic is a romantic movie. Isnt it weird how they top the box-office charts once upon a time. And all because Kate Winslet dumped Leo into the sea. On a lighter note, if u notice, that's just a cunning way to ditch ur guy. To me, Kate cn finally shout 'Freedom' man! Yes!
Sara: (Dumbfounded....) ????

And the sun instantly disappeared, literally.

After 2months absence…

It feels so good to hit the dancefloor once again….

Haaa~ :)

Time Traveler’s Wife

“…Have you ever wonder if I’m some kind of joke God is playing on u? …” ~Henry~

“..No. Everybody i wake up hoping you won’t leave me forever” ~Clare~

I smile tonight reading….

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies,caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called God, you will make it to a place called Success…

 

May tomorrow be a better day.

Final Destination 4

is rubbish

Blog re-activated

Now, it will be fairixora.blogspot.com once again.

Moving on to friendster blog... http://fairixora.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

Peace!